11 Must-Ask Financial Questions In A Relationship
Managing Finances Together
Whether you are dating, moving in together, or getting engaged or married, talking about finances with your partner will help you to ensure long term compatibility and to achieve your goals. Many couples avoid talking about their financial beliefs and values let alone their salary, debt, savings, etc. until they are married (or even years into their marriage when finances become a ‘problem’). The longer finances go unaddressed, the more and more difficult it will be to discuss finances in the future.
Just the thought of merging and jointly managing finances can stir up a range of emotions - from excitement to fear. Fortunately, there are no ‘shoulds’. You and your partner can explore various approaches to jointly managing finances or even create your own approach that meets both of your needs. Remember…
The structures and systems that you create and implement today can always be adapted in the future.
You may need to try various approaches until you find the best fit for you and your partner.
Must-Have Mindset for Financial Conversations
Your mindset and attitude entering a financial conversation with your partner will set the tone for how the conversation unfolds. First and foremost, approach the conversation (as well as any financial conversation for that matter!) with curiosity, not judgment. When people feel judged, they are quick to become defensive and shut down. By approaching the conversation with curiosity, you will undoubtedly learn something new about your partner (and maybe even yourself). Ask questions in an effort to better understand, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt when they are asking you questions. Use non-judgmental phrasing…
“How does jointly managing finances make you feel?”
“What is your ideal approach to merging finances?”
“What doubts or concerns do you have about joint bank accounts?”
Financial Self Awareness and Emotional Regulation
All 11 must-ask financial questions are filled with emotion! If possible, be aware of your money triggers before entering the conversation and know that you may uncover money triggers that you were previously unaware of during the conversation. If your partner starts talking about their debt and you feel your heart racing and mind spinning, breathe. Remind yourself that you are not making any decisions in this moment. You are just listening. Be present.
Your goal is not to convince your partner to change their mind. Your goal is not to talk about the numbers. Your goal is to listen and learn. Your goal is to emotionally support your partner, which includes emotionally supporting your partner’s relationship to money. You and your partner can help one another to heal by having compassion and empathy for one another’s financial journey.
11 Must-Ask Financial Questions In A Relationship
Financial Safety and Security
1. “How can we assure that we both feel financially safe and secure in the event that we split up?”
This question in no way indicates that you do not believe in your relationship or love your partner deeply. On the contrary, loving your partner truly and deeply is asking and answering this question honestly and valuing and honoring your partner's answer. This question is reasonable, responsible, and loving.
While you may truly believe that you and your partner will be together forever, life is filled with unexpected and inevitable twists and turns. Most people do not enter marriage assuming that they will one day get divorced; however, the divorce rate in the United States is 43%, and many factors that are outside a couple’s control can drastically impact the likelihood of divorce. For example, the divorce rate in couples with a child with autism is 80%, and couples with twins or triplets are 17% more likely to get divorced. Regardless of whether or not you have children, money (financial infidelity, money arguments, etc.) is one of the top reasons for divorce. If you are engaged…
Listen to To Prenup or Not To Prenup? featuring The Fiscal Feminist, Kimberlee Davis on The Money With Katie Show
Financial Relational History
2. “How did your parents manage money as a couple and as individuals?”
Our experiences in childhood shape our understanding of and beliefs about money and financial management. We all witnessed our parents manage (or possibly mismanage) money and consciously or subconsciously adapted similar behaviors or rejected them entirely.
Remember that the formation of your partner’s money beliefs can also be traced back to their childhood and that their money beliefs are just as deeply embedded as yours. Understanding how your partner’s parents managed money as a couple and as individual will give you insight into your partner’s financial behaviors. To learn more about your partner, ask these follow up questions…
“What did you take away from witnessing your parents managing money together?”
“What would you like to do similarly to and differently than your parents in terms of managing money?”
Also, focus on yourself and your relationship to money, as you can only control yourself and your behaviors. Ask yourself…
“What money beliefs am I holding onto that my parents instilled in me that are hindering me?”
“What money beliefs have I accepted without questioning or challenging?”
3. “How have your past relationships (marriages or partners) impacted how you would like to combine finances?
Past relationships also impact our financial beliefs and behaviors, particularly in past relationships with financial abuse, financial infidelity, or financial shaming. Your partner may feel worried or anxious that you are hiding credit card debt or that you would shame them for their spending habits. This is not necessarily a reflection of you. Rather, your partner may be projecting their feelings about their ex onto you. Understanding how your partner managed money in past relationships will give you insight into their emotional experience of merging finances with you. If your partner has experienced financial abuse, financial infidelity, or financial shaming, ask…
“How is this relationship similar to and different from your previous relationship?”
If previous relationships (parental, romantic, etc.) have impacted your relationship with money and your ability to engage in healthy and productive financial conversations with your partner, consider…
Talking with a Certified Financial Therapist
Financial Dealbreakers and Non Negotiables
Identifying your financial deal breakers is essential in ensuring financial compatibility. Deal breakers are concerns that would cause you to end the relationship. Everyone has different financial deal breakers based on their own money beliefs and past experiences. Knowing your financial deal breakers sooner rather than later will allow you to make the best decision for yourself and the relationship moving forward. Set a deadline for when you would like to know these deal breakers. 3 months, 6 months, 1 year. A timeline is important, because deal breakers are exactly that - deal breakers. While you could wait until the fifth date or until you have surpassed your one year anniversary or until you are engaged to ask these questions, you can save you and your partner time and heartbreak by asking these questions sooner. Consider asking your financial deal breakers on the first date!
4. “Do you have debt?”
Debt and overspending are two of the most common financial deal breakers. If debt is a deal breaker for you, ask yourself the following questions…
What privilege is there in having no debt?
How much debt is a deal breaker for me?
Is there a specific type of debt (credit card debt, student loan debt, medical debt, etc.) that is a deal breaker for me?
Are there exceptions to this deal breakers?
If so, what are the exceptions?
These follow up questions are even more important than the original question, as they will give you context and a greater understanding of your partner. Ask your partner…
“How much debt and what type of debt do you have?”
“How or why did you accrue this debt?”
“How are you addressing this debt?”
“How do you feel about accruing future debt?”
5. “What is your relationship to spending?”
83% of Americans say they overspend to varying degrees. Men, women, Boomers, Gen-Z - people of all demographics overspend. Additionally, financial infidelity in the form of ‘stealth spending’ as coined by The Wall Street Journal is on the rise. Approximately 60% of Millennials and Gen-Z admit to stealth spending, or hiding purchases from their partner. Therefore, understanding your partner’s relationship to spending is more important now than ever. To better understand your relationship to spending, ask yourself…
Where along the spectrum of overspending to underspending do I fall?
What do overspending and underspending mean to me?
When and why do I overspend?
Ask your partner…
“How does spending make you feel?”
“Does your spending result in debt or impact your ability to save money?”
“Have you ever made secret purchases in a relationship? If so, why?”
6. “What are your financial deal breakers and non negotiables?”
Your partner’s financial deal breakers are, again, just as important as your financial deal breakers. This question may feel scary to ask - after all, what if your partner’s financial deal breakers lead to the demise of your relationship? Withholding or lying about your financial behaviors in an effort to maintain your relationship can result in major issues, while honesty and transparency in a relationship increase feelings of trust, increase emotional intimacy, and improve communication. Compatibility is a two-way street; while your partner may be a financial fit for you, you may not be a financial fit for them. Loving your partner is being honest, so they can also make the best decision for themself.
“Do you have any exceptions to these deal breakers?”
“How could you feel better about my debt or overspending?”
Financial Open-Mindedness
7. “Are you interested in financial couples therapy?”
According to the New York Times, interest in financial therapy rose following the 2008 recession and again during the Covid-19 pandemic, as financial anxiety spiked. Financial couples therapy is a great way to learn how to communicate about money, identify financial goals, align financial values, and manage money jointly. If your partner is open to financial couples therapy either now or in the future, you can confidently move forward knowing that they will be willing to work through financial difficulties with you as they arise.
8. “Are you open to exploring the gray areas of joint finances?”
Finances, like most things in life, are not black and white. There is always a gray (or rainbow!) area. You do not need to keep your finances fully separate or merge them entirely. You do not need to split your rent equally (50/50) or equitably (as a proportion of your income). There is a whole array of how you can manage your finances together. If you and your partner are open to exploring the gray areas of finances, you will be more likely to merge finances in a way that feels good to both of you. Examples of gray areas to get your wheels spinning…
You receive a $10,000 inheritance.
You can pay off your credit card debt or put your money into an emergency savings.
You can also pay off $6,000 of your credit card debt and put $4,000 towards your emergency savings.
You can also pay of $5,000 of your credit card debt, put $3,000 into an emergency savings account, and invest $2,000 in your Roth IRA.
9. “What feels just outside of your comfort zone financially?”
Feeling just outside of your comfort zone financially is not bad. Some people feel outside of their comfort zone investing while others feel outside of their comfort zone not investing. Oftentimes, feeling outside of our comfort zone helps us to learn more about ourselves and to grow. Investing can help you to grow your wealth and achieve your financial goals. Not investing can help you to enjoy today more by having more disposable income. You and your partner will not be in 100% agreement about every financially decision, so inevitably, you will both have to make some changes or concessions that feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay and normal - healthy even. One person consistently feeling completely outside of their comfort zone while their partner feels calm and content is not healthy.
Consider how you can ease your anxieties and practice ongoing self-care when moving outside of your comfort zone.
Financial Future
10. “Do you want children? If so, how many children do you want?”
The exact cost of raising a child is difficult to calculate, as there are several factors that can influence the overall cost, such as the city you reside in, childcare, clothing, etc. Regardless, at minimum, a single child costs hundreds and thousands of dollars in just the first 18 years of life. Being in alignment with wanting or not wanting children as well as a general idea of how many children you hope for is important as this will be a major factor in your financial picture. If you and your partner would like children, ask your partner…
“Would you like to be a stay at home parent at any point? Why or why not?”
“What opportunities would you like us to be able to provide for our children?”
“Would you like our children to attend public or private school, and why?”
11. “Would you like to buy a home in the future? Why or why not?”
Buying a home is likely the biggest purchase you will ever make. In most cases, purchasing a home will be a six figure decision and, in an increasing number of cases, a seven figure decision. While older generations are typically in agreement on this question, younger generations for various reasons (unaffordability, valuing experiences over homeownership, etc.) are divided on this question. Regardless of your generation, do not avoid asking this question and assume your partner’s answer. If you and your partner are in disagreement, learn more about the pros, cons, and myths of homeownership. If you and your partner would both like to buy a home in the future, you can start the process today…
Attend open houses together as a date! With no intention of buying a house, you can discuss what you like and do not like in a home in a low stakes environment.
Check your credit report today, so you can take steps towards improving your credit if necessary.
Enroll in a free first time home buyer course in your state to learn more about the process.
