10 Common Questions About Financial Infidelity Answered
1. What is Financial Infidelity?
Similar to emotional infidelity or sexual infidelity, financial infidelity involves lying about or purposefully withholding information regarding your personal finances from your partner. Financial infidelity can take many forms, including stealth spending (or secretive spending), lying about your income, hiding money from your partner, and opening credit cards without your partner’s knowledge.
Historically, specific adulterous behaviors were universally agreed upon. Today, specific adulterous behaviors vary greatly from relationship to relationship. For example, in modern history, having sex with a person outside of a relationship was considered infidelity. However, today polycules and open relationships mean that having sex with a person outside the relationship is not necessarily considered infidelity. Therefore, the specific behaviors that are considered financial infidelity are defined by you and your partner.
As partners, you are engaging in a mutually agreed upon social contract. Ultimately, breaches to that contract are considered infidelity.
2. Is Financial Infidelity Financial Abuse?
Just as sexual infidelity is distinct from sexual abuse, financial infidelity and financial abuse are also distinct. Financially abusive behaviors are, by definition, intentionally used to control, intimidate, manipulate, threaten, and harm another person. While sexual, physical, and verbal abuse are more commonly known than financial abuse, financial abuse is present in 99% of relationships with domestic violence and has significant implications, often trapping victims\survivors in a relationship. Without access to bank accounts, a source of income, or lines of credit, leaving an abuser can feel impossible, especially with children. Additionally, a ruined credit score can make it difficult to obtain housing and employment for years to come.
Below is a list of signs of financial abuse. If you are or may be experiencing financial abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for free and confidential support 24/7.
Your partner…
Forces or coerces you to apply for a credit card or loan
Accrues debt in your name, ruining your credit score
Limits access to your bank account, credit cards, etc.
Controls your income
Controls your spending through an allowance or requiring you to ask permission to spend
Forces or coerces you into signing a power of attorney
Threatens you based on your spending
Prohibits you from working
Harasses you at your place of employment
Nuances of Financial Infidelity and Financial Abuse
Some behaviors, such as hiding income, spending, assets, or debt, may be considered financial abuse or financial infidelity, depending on the circumstances, intention, and relationship. Let’s take a closer look…
Your partner feels overwhelmed and depressed due to ongoing work stressors. In an effort to protect them from financial stressors, you open a credit card, which you intend to pay off next month. Your partner will never need to know about the credit card. Next month, your car needs an unexpected repair. Instead of paying off the credit card, you charge an additional $2,000. The cycle continues as more and more debt accrues.
Your partner takes your credit card from your wallet without your consent. They max out the credit card, never making a single payment. Your credit score drops. Your partner does not allow you to work, so you have no means to pay the credit card off yourself.
In the first scenario, you may have (albeit initially unintentionally) committed financial infidelity - again, depending on the social contract you and your partner have agreed upon. In the second scenario, control, harm, and manipulation indicate financial abuse is present.
3. How Common is Financial Infidelity?
According to Kiplinger, 42% of US adults have committed financial infidelity. Additionally, 64% of people living with a partner admit to hiding a purchase. Financial infidelity is becoming a buzz word. The Wall Street Journal even posted an article about stealth spending recently. So, why now?
Financial infidelity and stealth spending is easier than ever! While financial infidelity has existed for many years, modern day technology as well as an increase in women’s rights has contributed to an increase in financial infidelity. Technology has arguably made every type of infidelity easier. At the tap of a screen, people can open secret bank accounts with paperless statements sent to a secret email. It’s as simple as that!
Additionally, according to the Department of Labor, 55% of women participate in the labor force today as opposed to 30% in 1948, and until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act (ECOA) passed in 1974, women could not open their own bank account or a credit card. Therefore, approximately half of the population could not commit financial infidelity even if they wanted to. Today, anyone can commit financial infidelity at any time.
4. Is Financial Infidelity a Crime?
Financial infidelity is not illegal and is not criminally prosecutable. While financial infidelity in and of itself is not a crime, certain adulterous financial behaviors may be criminal. For example, opening a credit card in your partner’s name without their consent is illegal, as it constitutes as credit card fraud. If you believe that you are a victim of a financial crime, contact a lawyer for further consultation.
5. Is Financial Infidelity Cause for Divorce?
Financial infidelity is considered grounds for divorce in all states (both at fault states and no fault states). The decision to get divorced due to financial infidelity is yours and yours only. Some want to try to work through the infidelity and hope to rebuild trust, while others feel the damage is too great and the relationship is irreparable. Only you know what is best for you.
6.
Why Do People Commit Financial Infidelity?
There are any number of feelings that cause people to commit financial infidelity, including…
Feelings of guilt, shame, and fear of judgement about spending behaviors or money management
Feelings of avoidance - not wanting to have yet another financial conflict
Feelings of entitlement and deservingness due to overwhelm and stress from “working hard”
Feeling out of control in the relationship or other areas of life and grasping for financial control or independence and autonomy
Feelings of inadequacy and inferiority due to having more debt and a lower income than their partner
Feelings of frustration due to not being in agreement about financial goals
There is no one reason for financial infidelity. The list goes on and on.
7. How to Cope or Deal With Financial Infidelity?
First and foremost, if you have experienced financial infidelity, do not minimize your feelings. Financial infidelity is infidelity, and infidelity can lead to feelings of betrayal, insecurity, confusion, anger, and more. 54% of Americans say that financial infidelity is equivalent to other types of infidelity (some even say that financial infidelity is far worse!). Your feelings are valid, and you will like pass through a range of emotions.
When you find out about financial infidelity, you do not have to make any rash decisions about your relationship. You may vacillate between wanting to end the relationship right now and wanting to work on rebuilding trust. Many instances of financial infidelity will not require immediate action. If possible, take a step back from the relationship. Taking a step back can range from taking a day to yourself or with a close friend or putting a pause on the relationship for a couple weeks. Use this time to reflect and gain clarity about your path forward.
If your specific situation requires immediate action, particularly legally or to protect yourself financially, do not hesitate to contact a lawyer or financial advisor to support you through the process.
8. How to Overcome Financial Infidelity in a Relationship?
Overcoming financial infidelity does not happen overnight. Consequences of financial infidelity are two fold: financial and fidelity. Financial infidelity can (although certainly not always) create significant financial problems (namely, debt) for a couple. Some must decide whether they are going to commit to years of paying off debt that they never accrued, while others may be grappling with the betrayal and ruptured trust despite minimal or no financial implications. If you are going to try to overcome financial infidelity in your relationship, ask yourself…
What information do I need from my partner to better understand the infidelity and to heal?
What do I need from my partner in order to rebuild trust?
Do I truly believe that my partner is capable of making and wanting to make these changes?
Am I truly open to trying to rebuild trust?
What are my financial boundaries moving forward?
Consider working with an individual and couples therapist or a certified financial therapist to work on repairing and rebuilding trust in your relationship.
9. How to Overcome Residual Feelings from Financial Infidelity with a Former Partner?
If you experienced financial infidelity in a former relationship, you may struggle to build financial trust in future relationships. Holding onto distrust is a protective mechanism and, to a certain extent, is good. However, do not let your fear of financial infidelity impede your ability to build a relationship with a new partner.
Pay attention to how financial infidelity from your former relationship is impacting your ability to trust in your new relationship.
Differentiate your former partner from your new partner, and avoid projecting feelings of distrust, anger, suspicion, etc. onto your new partner. Remember, this is an entirely different person.
Be gentle with yourself. Overcoming financial infidelity is not easy and may take time.
10. How to Prevent Financial Infidelity in a Relationship?
Unfortunately, there is no full proof way to prevent financial infidelity in a relationship. However, you can certainly implement some preventive measures to reduce the likelihood of financial infidelity.
Start talking about money early in your relationship. Be open and honest about your income, spending, assets, and debt sooner rather than later.
Share your beliefs and feelings about money, as our beliefs and feelings about money ultimately drive our financial behaviors.
Define financial infidelity for yourselves to ensure that you are on the same page. What constitutes financial infidelity…
Keeping a bonus or raise a secret?
Lying about the amount of a bonus or raise?
Secretly spending money in specific ways (gambling, pornography, alcohol, etc.)?
Pretending a new purchase is an old purchase?
Pretending a full price purchase was a sale purchase?
If You Have Committed Financial Infidelity…
If you have committed financial infidelity, you may also be experiencing a range of emotions. Guilt and shame for your actions, relief that you are no longer lying and withholding from your partner, hopelessness about your financial circumstances, etc. It is perfectly okay and normal for you to be going through your own emotional journey; however, avoid letting your journey overshadow your partner’s. Talking with your partner about your feelings of guilt while they are in shock and feel deeply betrayed and hurt is probably not the best course of action. Instead, seek support outside of your partner from a trusted friend or family member or a therapist. A few final thoughts…
Do not expect your partner to simply or quickly ‘get over it’. You have broken their trust. It may take years for them to overcome the betrayal.
Disclose all financial infidelity. If your partner discovered your secret credit card but has yet to discover your secret bank account, it is best to come forward with all the information now. This can be a way to start rebuilding trust.
Remember that, while you have hurt your partner, you are not a bad person. Take accountability for your actions while practicing self-compassion.
